Posted tagged ‘ennui’

“I’ve got a great ambition to die of exhaustion rather than boredom.”

March 5, 2016

I want to yell out my window, “I’m mad as hell, and I won’t take it anymore,” but I’d probably freeze myself and the house in the process. March winds blow cold. The sun is a background ornament, bright but useless. Warm weather is supposed to be arriving next week. I hope so as I truly need one deck day to rid myself of winter malaise.

When I was a kid, I never minded winter weather except when it rained. I hated winter rain. I swear my wet clothes used to freeze on the walk home. My jacket stiffened from the ice. My wool mittens got wet and useless. My fingers were red from the cold. Water bubbled from my shoes when I walked. My hair hung down on my face and sometimes dripped onto my neck and down the back of my jacket. Winter rain is relentless.

Summer rain was a gift. It cooled a hot day. Steam would rise from the sidewalks. We’d stay outside and get soaked knowing when the sun reappeared, it would dry our clothes. I’d splash puddles and watch the water fan. We floated paper boats down the rivers streaming in the gutters next to the sidewalks. I’d ride my bike and head for every puddle. I remember taking my feet off the pedals and letting my bike glide through the water. I don’t remember my mother dragging us in when there was thunder and lightning, but I guess she must have. Either that or we were just plain lucky.

Today is chore day. My laundry bag is spilling over. The clean sheets have sat on the chest at the foot of my bed for three days. It’s about time I got to them. The plants need watering. The kitchen needs to be swept. I know as I do one chore two more will pop up. Just now I noticed the wire connecting the computer to electricity was dirty at the top, close to the computer. I stopped writing, went to the kitchen, got a Clorox sheet and cleaned the wire. It is going to be one of those days. I blame it all on winter. Ennui is the perfect description for my mood today.

“Everyone needs fudge, Hildy. It’s how God helps us cope.”

February 13, 2015

Run, run for your lives! The world is coming to an end. A bright orb framed by azure has appeared in the sky. Its light is so dazzling I have to cover my eyes. I think it must be aflame.

A slight exaggeration perhaps but the sun has actually appeared, the first time in a couple of weeks or maybe years. I forget. I lost track. Today, though, is freezing cold. The sun is but a ruse. The prediction is 12˚ for the daytime high and 6˚ for tonight. When I went outside to get the papers, the cold took my breath away.

Last night we had a dusting, just enough to cover the car windows, the steps and the walkway. Before I went to bed I threw de-icer on the dog’s steps so they were clear for her this morning. Did I think of front steps? Of course not. I will walk gingerly.

A huge storm is coming tomorrow night. I just shrugged my shoulders at the news and went about my business. We have all become so inured to snow I lost my interest about 6 inches ago. The weatherman says 12+, but he has no idea what the + means in inches of snow. I figure it doesn’t matter.

My usual optimism is a bit buried. I have become indifferent. I am easily bored and drift from one thing to another. I read a bit, watch some TV, play backgammon on-line, clean a little and finally take a nap, exhausted by ennui.

I have to go out later. Gracie needs a few more cans of dog food to last through the storm. I need bread, not the pre-storm rush to buy bread, just bread. Chinese food has been on my mind so I’m thinking I’ll get dinner. I’m also thinking the bakery and a whoopie pie. Nothing blasts away indifference like chocolate.

“The truth is that everyone is bored, and devotes himself to cultivating habits.”

February 1, 2014

This morning is already 41˚. That’s a hot spell, time for sunscreen. Gracie, my weather barometer, has been outside pretty much the whole morning. She comes in every now and then for water and to make sure I’m still here.

The feeders have lots of different birds today, even mourning doves and winter robins. Hopeful is the best description for a day like today. It’s nature’s way of reminding us that winter won’t last forever. There will be more snow, that’s inevitable, and chilling to the bone temperatures but soon enough every day will be in the 40’s and then the 50’s then climbing from there. Green shoots will start appearing in the front garden by the end of this month and will become a calendar of sorts. As they grow taller, we’ll be closer to spring. Once they bloom color fills the garden and spring finally gains hold. The air gets that smell of freshness, of growing things, of flowers and grass. Cold mornings give way to warmer afternoons. Some vestiges of winter hang around for a bit longer but that’s okay. I always think of them as a last gasp.

This has been a strange week. Little holds my interest, not even books I usually devour. I won’t even mention television. I haven’t seen anyone to talk to since Sunday; I don’t count the man at the dump or the woman at the pharmacy. We didn’t converse. I could be the main character in a last person on Earth book, soon to be made into a major movie. In my empty world, there would be no vampires or zombies running around trying to drink my blood or eat my entrails. I imagine blue birds singing and flying above my head sort of like in Song of the South or Cinderella. Flowers are always in bloom. The sun shines, and the day is perfect in the 70’s. Yup, I’m living in a Disney movie. I don’t know, though, how long I can go without people and conversation, but I figure I’d be talking to myself a whole lot, but I do that now. I usually direct my comments to Gracie who listens with a cocked ear but doesn’t ever answer. She’d be in the book too. I do have an ending for this book. There I am surrounded by blue birds, my faithful dog by my side as I walk through the park. All of a sudden I hear someone whistling a tune, yup, a happy tune. I stop and gasp, my hand in front of my mouth, and say,”Hello?” I hear, “Hello” right back, and it isn’t an echo. I am not alone. It’s a happy ending.

Now you can understand I really need to get out more!

“Nothing happens. Nobody comes, nobody goes. It’s awful.”

May 7, 2013

Some time during the early morning it must have rained but only a little as the driveway under the tree branches was dry. The rain has left the day cloudy, damp and quite still. Not a single branch, not even the smallest, is moving, and I don’t see or hear any birds.

When I went outside to get the papers, the morning had a sweetness about it. I could smell the garden and the flowers: scents made all the stronger by the dampness.

Gracie just chased Maddie but only because she’s bored. Maddie didn’t seem all that concerned. On days like today, Gracie is in for a while then out for a while; she pulls her toys out of the toy box then leaves them to go outside and bark. I left the front door opened because she loves watching the world through the storm door though my street is so quiet I can’t imagine what holds her interest. I think Gracie’s hoping for the unexpected.

We’re going to get our new dump sticker today and later Peapod will deliver my groceries. Sadly, those are the highlights of my day. Gracie and I must be suffering from the same ennui.

I used to drive my mother crazy at times when I’d complain there was nothing to do. I suspect there was really plenty to do, but I was just in one of those moods when nothing held my interest for too long, a lot like today’s mood, the one Gracie and I seem to be sharing. This morning I did the crossword puzzle but I didn’t do the cryptogram. I just couldn’t get my head to focus long enough to figure it out. That happens every now and then.

I know the sort of day I’ll have. There seems to be a routine for days like today: I’ll read a little, go through some catalogs, watch some programs I’ve DVR’ed and take a nap. I’ll sigh a lot.

“We may sit in our library and yet be in all quarters of the earth.”

April 8, 2013

The day is a delight with sunny skies and a temperature in the high 50’s. Gracie has been out all morning. I will join her in a bit as the feeders need filling, and I need sun.

Today I am tired and bored. Nothing piques my interest. New books on my iPad are just waiting to be read, but I’m not in the mood. I have to go to Hyannis this afternoon for a Cat scan on my back, and I’m bemoaning the trek as if I have a continent to cross. The Red Sox have their home opener at 2, and I will probably watch the festivities. This is unusual for me, this bout of ennui.

The dog woke me up this morning with her intruder bark. I opened the front door and saw my landscaper fertilizing the lawn. We chatted a little bit about the moss which is taking over for a part of the grass. He says he’ll take care of it. I have a feeling I hit the highlight of my day, a conversation about moss. Later I got to thinking how I opened the door without a second thought. If I were the throw away character in a horror movie, a creature would have been in the yard hunting for breakfast. I’d run screaming and Gracie would bark. I’d get eaten and she’d survive by running out the back door. Good thing it was my landscaper.

I’ve concluded my mood comes from my back being painful and from my travel addiction. I can’t seem to solve either one. The back started a couple of weeks ago, and I moan and groan a lot from the pain. The doctor is doing his best, but I suspect nothing will change. I’ll just have to moan a bit more quietly. As for the travel addiction, I have no plans to travel this year. The bank needs to be replenished. Two trips to Ghana were expensive so this is a year to save for the next trip. I’m thinking maybe a weekend somewhere might be in order, but even that could be a bank breaker. Maybe I’ll sit on the deck with posters of the world pinned to the wall, and I’ll pretend I’m on an ocean liner. Every drink will have an umbrella. I’m just going to have to find a cabana boy!


“Pensive they sit, and roll their languid eyes.”

February 19, 2013

Today is warm and sunny. I had an early morning meeting and did some errands after that. It was as if the sun had given me a burst of energy, taken away all my reasons for griping and made me glad to be out and about so early.

I have been nominated for a Liebster award by Peace, Love & Great Country Music. The award is best explained if you read Good Golly Miss Molly who nominated Peace, Love and All. Good Golly Miss Molly explains what I need to do, which will take some pondering before I post. Good thing I have tomorrow.

I am devoid of original thought. That happens to me every now and then. It’s as if my brain has slowly leaked away anything of interest, even to me. Nothing in the papers caught my attention. The headline in the Globe was More Women Become Breadwinners. I’m sure newspapers were quickly whisked off stands and grocery counters with a headline like that. I’m reading a James Patterson. Sometimes it seems as if I’m always reading a James Patterson. This one is part of the Private series.

My errands are all done; I have no laundry to wash; my house is clean; the yard has been shoveled and plowed; I took a shower last night and yesterday the bird feeders were filled. I can’t imagine what is left except something esoteric. I wonder if cleaning the cabinet fits the definition.

No trip is planned which may be part of the cause of my ennui. Last year and the year before I had Ghana. A few years before that I had Morocco. Now I have Hyannis, the hub of the mid-cape.

Today is the birthday of Copernicus. Might be a great reason for a party!

Maybe Gracie and I will take a ride and look for adventure. Sometimes just around the corner there might just be a surprise.

“Between Ennui and Ecstasy unwinds our whole experience of time.”

December 29, 2012

Today is raw which was always my mother’s description for damp and cold. The sky is that grey-white color which means rain or snow or, in our case, a bit of both. The snow will start off-Cape tonight while we’ll get rain then the tail end of the snow storm will hit us and bring maybe an inch or two or even up to four.

I’m not going anywhere today. The outside world doesn’t look all that inviting. I do have to fill a couple of feeders, and I’ll put the new one out and maybe fold and bring up the clothes in the dryer but that last one is a long shot.

When I sit down to write Coffee, I am often at a loss as to what to say. Day-to-day, or at least my day-to-day, is so consistent it lends itself to ennui, to boredom. Didn’t she just write about that I imagine you’re thinking as you read about Gracie and the weather. Other days my mind is filled with all sorts of neat stuff. Some of it is imaginative, and it grows out of daydreaming or a TV program or a book I’m reading, and I share even though you might think it borders on the crazy, the very weird. Memories often fill my mind triggered by something I saw or even smelled. You have all been to Ghana with me so many times I wonder if you groan and say, “Not Ghana again!” On my sloth days you already know that I’ll be doing nothing except reading and eating the proverbial bon bons.

What brought all this on? Well, one of the blogs I have been reading for years, Letters from a Hill Farm, is closing down. Nan has decided, “To live my life without writing about my life.” That got me thinking. I have been writing Coffee since 2004, the year I retired. I wrote every day for several years then I started taking Wednesdays off, a sort of mid-week breather. After my coffee and papers every morning, I sit in front of the computer hoping I have something to say, something you’ll enjoy or remember or something you can relate to. Where am I going with this? Not away as I really like writing and I love my Coffee family. I just want to be reassured that on days like today when I have nothing to say you’ll still listen.

“I’d rather be a little weird than all boring.”

November 2, 2012

The morning is nearly gone. I slept in and then took my time reading the papers and checking my e-mail. All of it was a delaying tactic as I knew my mind was empty, devoid of original thought. The idea of filling a blank page was scary. What’s to say? The problem is I’m bored. I even thought about going through the cabinet hunting for my apple slicer, corer. The whole absurd idea of cabinet foraging is indicative of how far gone I must be. I remember summers when I’d whine to my mother there was nothing to do in the whole town. This is one of those moments. Sure, Gracie and I could go for a ride but what’s to see?  Maybe we should shop: the use of maybe tells you how really bored I am. Never do I use maybe and shopping in the same sentence. I suppose I should change my bed. Whoopee!! (which must be read with a tone oozing sarcasm). Maybe I should read those catalogs: the pile is high enough to be dangerous should it fall on one of the cats, but I know that won’t work. I’ve tried it before. The catalog ends up on the floor as soon as boring rears its ugly head. The house is dusty and, given my mood, will stay dusty. Cleaning is never the solution for anything.

My landscaper cleared the yard yesterday. I can see my grass, the driveway and the deck. All the leaves and pine needles are gone. I watched out the front door. Looking back, I realize that was the first indication of creeping ennui. Leaf raking and blowing will never be interesting yet I stood and watched.

TV last night sent me reading. I’ve started Stolen Prey, a John Sandford. I read three pages then put it down. Even mass murder couldn’t hold my interest.

The last two Walking Dead programs are on my DVR. I suppose I could watch zombies eating live people and live people killing zombies. Such fun is almost overwhelming to contemplate.

Well, this is it. I’ve finally run out of words.